dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Are my feet made of real feet?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
