I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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