I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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