Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize