Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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