he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
