the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
