What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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