I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
