Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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