it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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