Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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