Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
my liver is dry heaving
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
