DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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