don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize