its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
