i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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