I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
