i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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