Only a mothe r could love this liver
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
