The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
