Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
