There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize