I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
