Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize