So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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