My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
