I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
