Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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