Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
