i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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