he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
