remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
