I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
