I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
