Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
