wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
