it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
then he tried to convert me to islam
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
