He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
soo... how was my night?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
