My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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