She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
