i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
