That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
