probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
