So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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