I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
