so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize