my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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