Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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