i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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