My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
