on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
