saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
