Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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