Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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