You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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